The 2023 Barstow Pretenders Play is on the verge of EXPLODING with loveliness.
Prologue
Curtain rises on B-Line, a little green blob, who sits alone on the edge of the stage and speaks passionately to the audience.
B-Line: What is this? A play? I must’ve misplaced a few neural paragraphs, as last time I checked, I was an online student newspaper. But I’m on a stage! In a play! An inanimate website page in a play! That’s irrational. Preposterous!
Sighs contentedly.
B-Line: Well, I guess I’ll just have to pretend.
Scene 1
B-Line (narrator): Summer, for most of us, is a time to stare idly at the wall. But for Director Stella Qadeer ‘24, Co-director Athena Platt ‘25, and Co-co-director Chloe Golladay ‘24 of the 2023 Pretenders Play, summer was essentially a perusal-fest of ancient tomes.
Qadeer ‘24, Platt ‘25, and Golladay ‘24 take center stage, stooped over massive texts in a Victorian-castle-esque library.
Director Qadeer ‘24: We were really looking for something that fit specific diagnostics (like time and actor amount),
B-Line (interrupts and steps in front of Director Qadeer ‘24): when, abruptly, Peter Bloedel’s A Play With Words emerged from the frothy murk of obscurity.
Director Qadeer ‘24: I liked the faux film noir kind of thing, but it was once I saw the ending joke, (of which I won’t clarify, (go see the show)), that I knew I actually had to do this show.
B-Line (takes a thoughtful drag of his pipe): The directors, experts in and of themselves, have a great muckle of responsibilities. Aforementioned Director Qadeer ‘24 became director-
Director Qadeer ‘24 (interrupts, and steps in front of The B-Line): Since I directed last year’s show, we thought that it would make the most sense.
B-Line: Co-co Director Golladay ‘24, also appearing in A Play With Words as the character “I”, takes on the brunt of the physical labor.
Co-co Director Golladay ‘24 (delivers lines with a matching tap-dancing routine): “As co-director, I’m here to give extra ideas if Stella needs anyone to bounce things off of, and [I’m in charge of] the labor, like planning, getting people to do things, and occasionally tracking people down and beating them up. Just do your lines well.”
B-Line: And Co-Diractor Platt ‘25, aside from her co-directorial responsibilities, is playing Me.
Co-Director Platt: I’m playing Me and I’m playing this role to fill in. I was going to play whatever role we needed assuming that we didn’t have enough people to fill all the roles and that ended up happening.
B-Line (sweeps the directors off of the stage with mutterings of “directorial drudgery”, and begins to pour his heart out to the heavens, where a number of merrily whirling paper stars now hang): O, world! Goodly, bounteous world, how fine are your plays! I do wonder what the actors have to say…
B-line (interrupts monologue with an “aha!”): Aha! I’ve got an idea! I should interview the actors themselves! I wonder who those actors are…
B-Line (interrupts interruption of monologue with a “fiddledeedee!”): Fiddledeedee! It certainly is convenient that I have the cast list here in one of my seventeen-and-a-half pockets!
B-Line begins patting down his pockets until he finds what he is looking for; after a few moments, he extracts a sullied bit of scrap paper and reads it pompously to the crowd)
B-Line: Well, flippity pip!
Barstow’s A Play with Words features
Rachel Jacobs ‘26 as SCRIBE
Olivia Taffe ‘26 as THERAPIST
Co-Director Athena Platt ‘25 as ME
Cole Mueller ‘27 as MYSELF
Co-Co Director Chloe Golladay ‘24 as I
Matt Doss ‘27 as US
Rowan Platt ‘27 as YOU
Edward Judge ‘27 as DELIVERY PERSON
Roland Kaufman ‘27 as THEY
Cole Mueller ‘27 as THEM
Matt Doss ‘27 as IT
Roland Kaufman ‘27 as BAILIFF
And Edward Judge ‘27 as JUDGE!
Wow!
Chloe Golladay ‘24: We have a really good cast this year!
B-Line (whispers almost unintelligibly): I agree.
B-Line (continues): I wonder why anyone would join the Pretender’s Club in the first place.
Cole Mueller ’27 (appears): I saw the photos on the wall last year of the Pretenders Play and it looked really mysterious and so I wanted to figure out what it was.
B-Line (snarkily): Huh.
Matt Doss ’27: The reason I joined is because I like to do acting, and I don’t like working until my hands are raw and bloody, and you don’t have to do that with acting, you just get to have fun.
B-Line: How positively ensorcelling. Maybe I (no, not you, Co-Director Golladay (who plays I in A Play With Words) (no, nor you, Rowan Platt (who plays You)) should join the Pretenders Club. After all, I am no bloody-hand-enthusiast. Too bad I haven’t got any prior experience…
Edward Judge ‘27 (after materializing out of thin air (or thick air, depending on how you look at it)) : As an actor, this is my first [show] ever.
B-Line (starts screaming and dancing in circles): If I can be in the Pretender’s Play next year, then maybe the world isn’t going to end!
B-Line faints out of pure happiness.
After a beat, B-Line whips his head up.
B-Line: There can’t be anything bad about the Pretenders Play, can there?
Matt Doss ’27: The worst part is definitely that I can’t lay on the couch the whole time because it’s kind of hard to act when you’re lying on a coach.
B-Line: Oh. I don’t like couches anyways.
Cole Mueller ’26: We don’t have snacks.
B-Line: Ahh, well, it certainly is convenient that I haven’t got a digestive tract as I’m just a green blob. I really ought to have auditioned for this play.
(B-Line sniffles).
(B-Line flings himself into the corner and begins to sob violently).
B-Line: I reallllyyyy wannnttt tooo exxppeerriieennccee tthhiisss shhhoowww!!!!!!!!!!
Director of Cast and Other Directors Stella Qadeer ’24: Come see the show!
(B-Line leaps up, suddenly erupting in joy).
B-Line: Good point, Director of Cast and Other Directors Qadeer! But, why in Wrinkle’s Rat should I see the play (which happens to be at 7:00 p.m. on November 17), anyways?
Edward Judge ’27 (thoughtfully): All actors have some weird quirk that makes them not talk right.
Olivia Taffe ‘27: I think you should go see it because it’s really funny.
B-Line: What excellent reasons.
Director of Cast and Other Directors Stella Qadeer: There’s a lot of exciting stuff in this show! Some particularly interesting stuff are the literal metaphors, and there’s a scene near the very end of the play that involves a slowdown, which seems very funny.
B-Line: Deary Biddlekins, I am thoroughly verklempt just thinking of the upcoming production. I wonder if- Wait a second, why is everyone falling asleep like it’s the end of the play or something?
The entire cast topples over, utterly asleep.
B-Line: Does that mean-
B-Line falls over, and begins to snore.
Curtain Falls.
