Author: Rachel Jacobs '26

Rachel I. Jacobs resides as the official scumdiddling troucher of Kansas City. She is a solemn professional who is so well-known that she doesn’t even have to wear a name tag. Rachel’s favourite letter combinations are either WR, SN, or GR, and she loves them so much that she finds herself routinely cramming them into sentences (she also likes the letter M). Charle Scabjo (as she anagramically named herself)’s noblest aspiration in life is to empty out the Costco warehouse and slide about the building in her socks. She enjoys sliding about warehouses in her socks (not that she’s ever done so), although she is rather prone to toppling over and wounding the floor (sorry, mate). She hopes to one day become a space pirate (her vicious gurgling-noises are steadily improving) for the insurance-benefits and inclusive work environment, and takes delight in eating egg salad. Rachel’s cats, Agent Sparkles and Edward Zamboni, have, depressingly, never eaten egg salad.